How It All Started!

It all started May 7, 1963. I was born Diane Lynn Stankevitz, however, Di Stanky is funnier and easier to pronounce. I was actually a cute child. I have no idea what happened. I knew I was destined for comedy when my mother became so fed up with my antics she ask the doctor if it was too late for her to have an abortion.

I am not married, probably because I cannot find a man who is smarter, makes more money, or can bench press more weight than I can. It seems men do not like dating a woman who looks more like a man than they do. This would probably explain why the only people who ask me out are sumo wrestlers and east German women. I do not have children. Apparently you have to be in some sort of physical relationship in order for this to happen. Trust me, I only shave one leg so I can at least remember what it's like to sleep with a man.

The road to comedy is long and hard. I achieved it the hardest way possible, by receiving a bachelor's degree from UCLA in Physiological Science and a Master's degree from Cal State Long Beach in Kinesiology (Exercise Physiology and Sports Medicine). Trust me, these are two institutions just screaming to be made fun of. I spent most of my time at college developing comedy material and aggravating professors. To this day I have a professor who swears the gun was not loaded when he was threatening my life. Not only did I graduate with top honors, I graduated in the top 1% of the university which really pissed them off. In fact, one professor came in to congratulate me, gave me the finger and said "You're number one!" As with all entertainers and students, I worked my way through college as a cocktail server. I made good money, but my boss hated me. He despised me so much he scheduled my company physical with Dr. Kervorkian.

I have been performing comedy ever since I was in the womb. When I was 5, my grandfather was so excited he had smoothed a 50 square foot area of cement all by himself, that I congratulated him by walking across it. I thought it was hysterical. Needless to say, he didn't. I believe that was officially the first time I bombed at a performance. I have performed throughout Southern California over the last several years. However, the hardest performance I ever did was the eulogy at my father's funeral. My father was the person who inspired my comedic talent. In fact, he's probably the only parent who was more thrilled over my acceptance to a comedy workshop than my acceptance to UCLA. He was proud to be Polish and I was thankful my mother was full-blooded Italian.

Geraldine Vezzuso Stankevitz
August 4, 1940 - September 30, 1973

In addition to performing comedy, I must work. I am the Athletic Trainer and an instructor in the Department of Physical Education at East Los Angeles College. There I spend much of my time trying to convince students healthy eating does not involve a Big Mac, Supersize Fries, and a Diet Coke. And exercise must consist of more than just walking from the couch to the refrigerator. I am also a strength and conditioning specialist and help athletes prepare for competition. I am certain that eventually I can convince the defensive tackles to put the food down long enough to make a play. I am also an athletic trainer. I have worked with all sports at the college, particularly football. The hardest part of athletic training is head injuries. You have to do concentration tests to determine injury severity, such as having the athlete count backwards from 100 by 7's. However, now you have to determine whether the athlete really has an injury or is he just a moron.